the self and inner conflict
ambition: stress
I am required to make constant progress. Maybe it’s because of the things haunting me or maybe it’s because there are a few screws tightened too much in my brain. But the pressure is immense. If I am not doing something productive, I break down.
Which would be fine, except that always doing something, always working, it all causes a physical and mental exhaustion that’s almost worse than the breakdown.
Do I choose my ambition because it makes me proud, or to avoid being left alone with my own thoughts? Why do I do this to myself?
loneliness or freedom
I wake up each day of my own accord. Make the bed the way I like it, eat the food I bought and prepared for myself. I use the hot water which never runs out to wash the stink of a good night’s rest from my body. I change into the clothes I like wearing and douse myself in a few sprays of the cologne I like smelling. I drive my car to the university I attend and spend my time studying the subjects that interest me.
Most days I am free to do what I like. Everything I do is because of a choice I make. I never need to think about sharing with someone or making room for them in my life.
But sometimes I do anyway.
repressed fears
When I was little, the monsters I was most afraid of did not care for people. They would act as if people were nothing more than toys to be played with and broken.
My fears drove me to be nice. I would try to please everyone. Until it became obvious I was doing them a disservice. Some would become dependent, others resentful, and few satisfied.
Now I am confused and treat people differently. I do not treat them the way I should, with practiced manners and perfect civility. Sometimes I treat myself nicely before I do others, and I do not care for how they feel when I do.
Does this make me a monster or is this what it means to be a person?
